The Reserve Bank of Australia is considering making money last longer by coating notes with plastic or impregnating them with stronger materials.
I have been conducting my own research but not with conspicuous success.
I tried to preserve a $10 note by hiding it in a picture frame but next moment my wife was brandishing it triumphantly and shouting “Frame and fortune at last!
Her idea of breathing new life into the economy is giving mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to our piggy bank.
But certainly we must do something about our folding money. In fact anything I put money into folds immediately.
I am wondering if plastic-coated notes won’t Just slip through our fingers. I suppose it’s because I like to fondle money, to touch money, to coo to it and rock it to and fro and to smooth out its wrinkles.
The economy should be healthy. Notes tend to get feverish when they’re clutched in my hot, little paw.
Money then is beautiful, picturesque and it deserves longevity.
We should preserve it as we preserve old buildings and I hate to see money changing hands unless it’s from my right to my left.
We could have conservation parks for money where people could go and view money as we do animals.
Money could be made a protected species and it might live a lot longer than it does now.
Injections might help too. My financial friends are also talking about injecting into the economy. This makes money climb and firm and generally has a beneficial and quite athletic effect.
My money is limp and pale. It tends to lie in a darkened sock and frets at the light. It is subjected to many predators.
Of course I want strong, firm money. I’ve had to prop mine up for so long.
Only this week the bottle man called: “Bring out your empties.”
So I took him my wallet.
My wife shrieked recently: “Quick I think I’ve washed your pay envelope in your trousers.”
I raced into the laundry and fell on her neck: “Darling” I said, “You’ve made our money go around at last.”
Of course we could varnish our bank notes. But then again they varnish quickly enough as it is.
Yet money is getting tougher. Anyone will tell you. It’s the people who are becoming frayed at the edges.
I rushed into my bank.
Look” I cried, “Have you some strong, durable money?”
I discovered one thing. I have a strong durable bank manager!
Yet the search for enduring money goes on. I have a friend who tests 20c pieces by biting them. The rest of us just have to be content with biting our nails.
Why not, as I told one banker, go back to gold bars. And if that fails, crowbars.
Last night I sat on my porch facing the setting sun and holding up a banknote, towards it.
“For heaven’s sake, what are you doing?” said my wife. “I want my money to know it’s not the only thing that goes west,” I said.
And, on that note, I might as well close.
Max Fatchen