British bed manufacturers say that a sagging, flagging mattress could be the answer to marital problems. A new one could be like a “second honeymoon.”
Only this morning my wife complained about a great lump on the mattress.
It took her and the rest of the family to remove me.
Yet the mattress problem is one you need to sleep on. I always test mattresses in motels, for instance, until the people on the floor below complain and the management sends in a bouncer.
We’ve had a variety of mattresses. There was the Slope and Slide with a hollow in the middle; the Matterhorn where you spent all night climbing back into bed and the Sleepy Hollow where you got in a rut and stayed there.
There was the mattress that put you all on edge and was the earliest example of brinkmanship. We also had one called Dick Whittington which we had to turn and turn again.
Some people beat their mattresses but a mattress won’t take this lying down. Mattresses can be stubborn and hard to handle. Ever tried shifting them? Oh, certainly some have little handles but not our mattresses. They twist and turn and we even had a mattress that kangaroo-hopped down the passage and sprang on a visitor.
Mind you, it depends on the kind of mattress you. choose. I like those huge, opulent mattresses full of suppressed energy. I leapt on one in a store and flew through two departments. They’d never seen such a big overhead.
But certainly we should take mattresses seriously. Sleep knits up the ravelled sleeve of care, Shakespeare says, and nightly ravelry may be just the thing, begging your pardon for the pun, Will.
Mattresses are important with guests. If the guest looks like settling in for a long stay we usually give him Lumpy Lena which soon gets his back up.
One of my friends is terribly keen about his waterbed and describes his wife as a real dreamboat although he was worried when he woke up one morning and found a notice pinned to him Not wanted on the voyage.
We had a feather mattress once but we had to get rid of it. For one thing my wife began cackling in her sleep and at dawn I woke up, leapt on the bedrail and started to crow.
Yet some people can sleep anywhere. And mat tresses can sometimes be too comfortable; so sensuous that you never want to get out of bed. Only last weekend I was in bed telling my wife all kinds of excuses why I should remain there; that my back was hurting again, that I thought I had a cold, that my headache was back. This is called a good lie-in.
I suppose we are creatures of comfort, longing for a quiet kip, opting for snore and peace when the tensions of the day are over.
Certainly mattresses can promote romance but, take, it from me, often they’re a bit of a yawn.
Max Fatchen