A reverie of (tommy) ruffs

They call it tommy time—when the small tommy ruffs fin their way at dusk beneath the sunset boulevard of the sea.

Like lances of a waiting army, the fishermen’s rods waver and nod to the approaching night; nests of little lights flicker and bob on the jetty ramparts, manned and watchful and armed to the dentures.

Will the tommies come now or later or never? Perhaps they will swim the silver sidewalk of the moon to destiny and death on a number nine hook.

The cleaners and cutters, the fryers and scalers all wait, pungent with the smell of doctored ground bait.

But now all are motionless except the endless traffic of the waves.

A lip curls in a hunter’s snarl.

A young girl draws back at the cold, calculated impaling of live bait.

The man in question scarcely notices her. In his way, he is immaculate. Trim-moustached, he is alert, his fingers like steel. His fishbox is disciplined, his hooks regimented. Even the live bait lines up like lemmings awaiting their cliff plunge. Thus he threads his hooks with a living sacrifice.

But will the fish come?

They came late last night, says the man from the south. They came earlier the night before, says his companion. They didn’t come at all the night before that. Fickle fish. We who are about to fry salute you.

It’s a funny year, says the first man. Not enough water going into the sea. No rain. Fish like rain.

His wife looks a sort of Mrs. Scott of the Antarctic. She has a folding chair and her glasses are twin moons behind which one catches a glint of savagery. Not all wives are here.

The wife of the fat one is a gulf away beside television set, and thankful to be there she tells a visiting girlfriend.

He never catches much but his excuses are about being undersized and beautifully coloured.

Back on the jetty the fat one feels romantic and sees visions in his modest mind.

Once the squareriggers anchored here, masts like forest trees, spars and sails, rats and cats, masters and ordinary seamen, a whiff of the Horn in the rigging.

The old ketches rub their affectionate cheeks against the jetty stiff with salt and protocol. Bagged wheat sighed down polished wooden chutes and wheat lumpers orchestrated the catch blue-singleted grim masters of grain handling.

The tommies have not arrived. Can there be some fishy business going on? Is there a marine industrial dispute beneath the waves, some tommy-ruffian haranguing and calling for a mass swim-out?

The fat one wonders.

The sea is all mystery and reticence. He thinks he hears on the roll call of the wind the names of the good sea scouts, Josh Slocum and Frank Chichester, Matt Flinders and Jim Cook, Billy Bligh and all the rest. Shivering their timbers in some sheltered Valhalla, anchored and secured for eternity.

So the fat one returns to his camp. The smug whiting fisherman leers from his caravan and says, “The tommies weren’t there tonight?”

The young girl will have gone home happy and will waft away into her night on a mother-of-pearl barge drawn by doting dolphins.

But the tommies will be back tomorrow night and, after all, a fisherman must take the ruff with the smooth.

 

Max Fatchen

Farewell Mr Fatchen

The Saturday Review

THE ADVERTISER AUGUST 4 1984

After a lifetime in journalism MAX FATCHEN, the man of wit and warmth, has retired. Here he reflects on his career as a journalist and the places and people who shaped his life and work.

One night in the late ’30s on the beach near Henley a stable lantern flickered and, by its light, Max Harris read me Dostoyevsky to a background of murmuring waves while I tried earnestly to catch the import of the words.

We were both copy boys on the Adelaide News, Harris, brilliant and controversial was beginning his career as a leading critic, bookseller, writer and lively rebel of Australian letters and I was beginning mine as a mild journalist-to-be.

I enjoyed the reading for I’d come recently from the farm and needed a bit of culture. It was all a long time ago.

Yet that quiet night on the beach remains in my mind somehow for then the world was simpler, the pace was slower.

Nearly 50 years on with a major war intervening, I have seen men reach for the stars, the machines that carried them and the place from which they would depart at Cape Canaveral.

At Maralinga, I saw the hideous mushroom of an atomic explosion, its effects still reverberating

I have watched the wind touch the flowers on the Birdsville track after rain.

I have climbed wild islands of the SA coast and walked among fearless seals and rookeries of complaining sea birds.

I have written wry little verses for the unseen populace and received the readers’ acknowledgements and sometimes their scolding.

There has been much fun, a good deal of tension and great revelations along my journey through journalism.

I have found ordinary people have extraordinary qualities; that there is compassion as well as confrontation

I have seen the destroyers and the builders of our way of life at work.

And I’ve stayed in my own place, SA, which I love despite cajolings and offers from other countries.

I’ve learnt the privilege of writing for children as well as adults

I still live at Smithfield where I can see the farmland where I was born and bred. I still watch the showers of rain march across the paddocks that my father tilled so well and the homestead where my mother taught me about nature. It was where she would go at night and remove the paper with which bird dealers had marked the waxbills’ nests. She would then place the paper in the heart of the prickliest boxthorn.

I’ve watched Elizabeth grow into a fine city despite its difficulties, with its communities of people and its sea of trees.

Other people sometimes shrug their shoulders, lift their eye brows and say, “Elizabeth? You live there?”

It’s my town and there I intend to stay.

Perhaps most of all, I’ve been lucky enough to have a communion with the Australian countryside. I’ve dimly under- stood the wonderful poetic bridge that the Aboriginal people have built between the physical and the spiritual in the land in which we live.

I found that quality of landscape, at night, camping on the Birdsville track with Marree mailman Mel Noden under a canopy of stars with the sleepless land prowling beyond the firelight, old and ruthless yet a wonderful wooer of peoples hearts and senses.

I have wandered across the wide street of Normanton under the lip of the Gulf of Carpentaria on a sultry afternoon. A bullock, horns down chased me across, a dog appeared and chased the bullock and stockmen nodded their heads in the bar and told their stories, of being stranded on Outback islands in the Wet season and making boats out their tent canvas, saddles and saplings to paddle through the flood while crocodiles took the drowned cattle.

So much of Australia is unforgettable. I remember going with Army and Navy surveyors along the coast of Arnhem Land to map the islands and channels.

There was the time I climbed over the stern of a naval survey ship just as she lifted her tail and the sailors held me aloft with boathooks and poles until the ship lowered her rump and they were able to raise mine.

Journalism is an adventure. Sometimes it is boring, long conferences and verbose politics. Sometimes it is cat shows. Sometimes it is street quizzes of what the ordinary people think about such-and-such a law of which they usually don’t think much.

Sometimes it is frenzied excitement, floods and bushfires and people stripped of the normal peaceable guise of everyday and flung into situations that bring out undreamt-of courage.

The great Murray floods of 1956 remain in my memory. There were blokes using their bodies as sandbags; an echidna burrowing into a bank and nearly bringing the whole river down on Renmark.

There were convoys of helpers and food from all over the State: moments of sheer terror in a spinning Army DUKW which the old Murray flung around like a cork. But then again, the panorama of ordinary people doing those extraordinary, courageous things.

I always liked trains. I remember riding an RX engine hauling a small goods train on the Nuriootpa line. A hare came out and loped ahead of the engine.

“He often comes for a run with us,” said the driver.

Then he told of a strange thing that had happened to an RX engine pulling a circus train

Suddenly, in the middle of nowhere the engine unaccountably ran out of water. The train came to a halt. Then the puzzle was solved.

The elephants were riding next to the engine and had taken off the top of its water tank. Merrily they had squirted each other and the surrounding landscape with water until the tank was empty.

There was another elephant story told by an engineer on Adelaide Steam’s Minnipa, running between Port Adelaide and Port Lincoln.

A circus elephant had come aboard and been bedded down on deck.

The engineer came up for a breather and there, in the moonlight, beheld a strange sight.

The elephant’s great loose hide was rolling in grey ripples in unison with the roll of the ship. The engineer was hypnotised and disturbed by these pachydermal waves. He went to the side of the ship and was seasick for the first time in years.

I was a poor performer on ships’ rope ladders and clambering on to dangerous islands. Many bets were placed by sea- farers on my agility and much money changed hands.

But I found seamen, like railwaymen, congenial company. Once I spent three weeks in the Bight with a British distant water trawler, the Southern Endeavour, trawling along the lip of the continental shell.

There I had a chance to study seamen and to listen to their stories of trawlers turning over when they became top heavy with ice in the Arctic Sea

I have always found the sea, like the Inland, to have a spiritual quality about it…the way it can thrash the coastline or like a mirror reflect the sunset at Port Victoria in the great bay where squareriggers once rode and ketches lightered grain from the jetty to the ships which would sail home around the stormy Horn…

Cape Canaveral is a far cry from Yorke Peninsula. It, too, is fat with sandy beaches, with shrimp boats on the horizon and a lighthouse shaped like a rocket with which countless tourists have been teased by locals telling them the lighthouse would blast off for space within the hour.

I stood on a gantry with a giant Saturn rocket in its arms: and saw the big machines busy building the moon base.

The modest control room from which John Glenn’s orbits around the earth had been monitored, seemed insignificant, deserted and dusty on the day I saw it.

President Kennedy had been there a couple of days before and two days before that I’d seen him in what would be his last Press conference in Washington, a tall, golden-headed young man on whom so many people had built their hopes.

A few days later, on November 22, 1963, I stood at Dallas airport watching them bringing his body to the plane where a woman judge swore in President Johnson. Our plane waited at the end of the airstrip while Air Force One taxied past us with its sad cargo to take off for Washington.

Later I sat in the Western Union Office in Market Street, San Francisco, typing my story and finding it all incredible. Back at my hotel a kindly, elderly waitress sat down at my table and wept for what she called America’s shame.

Earlier, in 1963, I had visited Britain with other Australian journalists including that great writer, broadcaster, raconteur and former Test opener, Jack Fingleton. Jack Fingleton remains one of my memorable characters. He hadn’t forgotten Bodyline and believed in putting his views.

One night in a swank Scottish restaurant in Glasgow, Fingleton’s attention was attracted by three men in evening dress playing rather melancholy tunes on a violin, cello and piano on a little balcony above the unheeding diners

“Someone,” said Fingleton in a loud voice, “should give these poor b….s a bit of encouragement.”

He clapped loudly at the end of the item. The whole restaurant froze with shock. The trio paused in mid-note of the next number. Then played on. At the end of the next number our table applauded.

Finally the whole restaurant began exploding with roaring applause.

The men on the little balcony went mad. Their starched collars came undone. They played wild gypsy airs. When we finally left amid tremendous applause, the trio played Waltzing Matilda.

The manager said: “Mr Fingleton, I’ll have to give these men a rise.”

“And about bloody time,” said the cricketing democrat from Sydney.

There are many more stories of many more people. The fun of writing topical verse; the companionship of journalists; the remarkable women journalists whose numbers are increasing and a good thing, too.

People have often said to me, “We don’t know how your wife puts up with you the way you write about her.”

But of course she does because she has a wonderful sense of fun, because we care about each other and have been married 42 happy years.

My days at The Advertiser have seen hot metal change to cool computers, a succession of editors and journalists who have been my warm, professional friends.

But it’s the people out there I’ll remember, too, the farmers and the engine drivers; the lively, independent women, the dauntless grannies and the old- timers; the searching youth; all the pageant of a city and a State which has been my oyster.

Life is not always pretty and there are ugly stories as well as happy ones. This is the way of things.

One last memory. I once presented the cup at the Tarcoola races and, by request, wrote a poem at teatime to recite at the Tarcoola Cup ball.

The hall was jam-packed with station people, Aboriginal stockmen, railway fettlers and their families, children, teachers and everyone dressed to the nines.

I took the stage wearing a pair of baggy, travel-stained trousers and an old sports coat, my usual reporting gear for a dusty countryside. I cringed a little at this sartorial splendour. But the poem brought the most rewarding roar of applause I’ve ever had in a chequered poetical career.

The moon beamed down on the private planes outside, on the cars, and horses, the long straight track of the Trans Australia line while the wind murmured over the wide, timeless land.

After all, who wants the Albert Hall when you can perform at Tarcoola on Cup night under the Outback moon?

 

What a way to start the day

Have you ever noticed how the world shoulders its way into a seat at your break- fast table?

I was sitting quite peaceably among my marmalade and toast when suddenly I saw Mr. Fraser sitting sternly opposite me while President Carter spread himself another slice and commented on the lack of peanut butter.

Then we were on a supertanker at the neck of the Persian Gulf and I can’t say it was a very nice day, but hot and tense.

And anyway before I could draw breath we were chasing a suspicious fishing craft, but this time it was in the Arafura Sea and I was in an Orion, and then I’d tripped over an oil find in Central Australia and there was Mr. Goldsworthy talking about rights and Mr. Bjelke-Petersen looking for dissident Liberals and Ansett was making a bid for my typewriter, milk was rising and if I wanted to fly to Europe I would have to trade in my wife, my car and my poodle.

The price index was up so high that you needed a satellite to see it, that’s if the satellite hadn’t been peppered by an anti-satellite in the Star Wars of outer space.

By this time I was sidling towards the frying pan, but the egg fell from or my nerveless fingers at an oil company’s profit of SA1752m. Then there was the plight of the speckled duck and I thought: if only someone would protect me, and maybe they would if I went to Bool Lagoon, but there was too much bool around already and I wondered whether I should have bacon, that’s if the mouse sneering at me from the stove didn’t snatch it and another mouse was already nibbling at the President’s Coast and the Dow Jones averages.

Don’t be silly, I told myself, you’re just sitting alone at your breakfast table with an old faded tablecloth and your old faded mind and the sun is breasting the hill and you are full of fancies just because you are listening to the news or you are reading the paper and you have a bad attack of the Daily Disasters.

Why, here’s a nice story about a poodle drinking beer, but isn’t that the way? We are all being driven to drink or around the bend or someone has escaped from somewhere and someone is picketing something and interest rates are rising and why shouldn’t I just sit here, my jaws motionless and my eyes showing more white than a washing powder advertisement.

There was a blackbird on the bough and it looked as though it was dressed in black satin and sang in a happy, haphazard un-Nato kind of way. For a moment I wished I’d had wings and a beak instead of an old dressing-gown with a frayed cord with my Western education and my faltering faith.

(Mr. President, not more toast please, this is not a White House Press breakfast),

My toes squirmed in my slippers and another mouse minced by, prob- ably down from the Mallee for the weekend and then it turned into a rat and gave a speech about the strength of Sterling.

I took a quick swig of coffee between a hijack and a kidnap, before the last of my brains ran out in a frenzied soup.

(Shall I look towards the hills with the new grass and the dimpling mushrooms and the operatic magpies?… but magpies set me worrying about whether we can hold Tim Evans at full forward. Perhaps I should lift my eyes to the slow clouds or tune my ears to the quick traffic on the nearby road.)

For whom the road tolls and it tolls for us alli

But it was just another trying day in the Persian Gulf so I eased my way in to flush my tanks with coffee.

Another day, another news service. The child from next door was out on the road and walking in her pyjamas with the innocent abandon of the little rebel she is.

I waved to her and she came in and I wanted to tell her about the Persian Gulf, but she had come to remind me of her birthday. She didn’t even mention Redcliff and the environment.

She had her tensions. Jelly beans were dearer; the teacher was an old bat.

“Why are you hunched up and looking so frightened?” she asked. “You look just like my Daddy.”

Said the radio news reader: “And here again are the main stories.”

Anyone for peanut butter?

 

Max Fatchen

The delicate art of bikkie dunking

You know, a thought has just struck me. When the jolly swagman wasn’t jumping into his billabong he was probably dunking his bush biscuit in his billycan.

“Dunking,” the questionable art of moistening biscuits by a quick immersion in one’s tea, is not normally regarded as one of the social graces.

Screams of “Yuk” can follow the sudden sludging of a biscuit into the saucer by a dunker who is less than adept

The debunked dunker may not suit the Cafe de Paris but he’ll do me.

Yet dunking has a colourful past. Seafarers washed the weevils by dunking their ship’s biscuits in their rum and water; troops dunked their biscuits in mess tins.

A little softening is not an unsociable thing when you’re expected to eat culinary cardboard.

The habit has persisted; many people are secret dunkers. Some are bold enough to dunk in public and they cover a broad spectrum and sometimes their mouths.

Sadly, dunking is still regarded as disreputable. You can coil spaghetti in a maelstrom of sauce; you can churn your chop-sticks among the sweet and sour and nobody turns a hair or a head.

But dunk and you are socially undone.

Dunking seems to go with old dressing-gowns, late middle age, chipped saucers and dissipated males. It is anathema to manners and plain filthy.

That’s what they say.

For those of us loathsome enough to indulge it has a certain soggy grandeur.

It requires judgment and accuracy, aiming the biscuit towards the cup of tea; holding it in perfect balance between thumb and forefinger, breaking the surface of the fluid cleanly and withdrawing the biscuit quickly so that it doesn’t disintegrate into a molecular mash.

Down, dunk, return, bite, slurp, swallow. Down, dunk, return, bite, slurp, swallow.

Say it several times with your mouth full and you’ll notice it has a fine rhythm about it.

Some biscuits by their very shape are dunkworthy; the rectangular coffee biscuit is easy to handle but has a quick absorption; the gingernut is hardier and keeps a good shape; the wheatmeal improves with moisture in its subsoil.

The darker side of dunking is the man who does it with his hostess’s home-made biscuits.

The biscuits in the best silver tray have been designed for their taste, shape and crispness. The hostess has spent ages poring over her recipes. This is her piece de resistance, her reputation lies on top of a paper dolly and with the taste-buds of her guests.

The air is full of a pleasant murmuring. You must try one, and they have such beautiful texture and I could NEVER make them like yours, Vanessa.

Now enter the despicable dunker. Amid a frozen silence, the glares of his next-of-kin, the shock of the hostess, he takes a biscuit ‘twixt thumb and forefinger and down, dunk, return, bite, slurp, swallow.

Terrible scenes of pas- slon and despair.

The afternoon ruined. Her cooking reviled.

“Walt in the car,” hisses his wife.

How would YOU like to be married to HIM, my dear?

This cheers the hostess a little. It’s not so bad. Not too much harm done. Everyone is eating biscuits and whinnying with praise and delight.

She even pours tea again with a shaking hand, the colour coming back to her face.

He won’t be back, will he? Don’t let him come near me.

No, he won’t be back.

But I wouldn’t be sur prised if, near midnight, when his watchful one has retired, he’ll settle himself in his dressing- gown by the telly.

His old face will take on its customary look of unbridled dissipation.

The gingernuts will spill at his elbow, the tea glimmer and steam in its cup.

He will take a biscuit in the thumb and forefinger.

So play it again, Sam.

Down, dunk, return, bite, slurp, swallow!

 

Max Fatchen

Sense of value

Inflation has now boosted the human body to $6.55 for its minerals and chemicals, so I read.

Dr. H. Monson, of the Illinois College of Medicine says that 10 years ago, the human body was worth only 89c, but inflation may soon up the value to an ego-boosting $9.

I ran my eye over my- self this morning and instinct told me I am a man of worth. Looking at the futures market, in some places my values are firm but in others they tend to sag.

Nevertheless, I should fetch a good round figure.

The fairer and firmer sex may not take kindly to being a mere carcase of computation. My wife finds Dr. Monson very illinoying if you’ll pardon a pun manufactured in a brain which is full of common cents.

When you come to think of it I’m hardly worth a hardback novel and only a second-rate meal.

Yet who can put a price on a sparkling eye or ruby lips, how can we compute the long graceful limb or the rippling muscle?

“Don’t worry about Dr. Monson,” I said to my wife. You are a pearl beyond price. Why, on the open market, melted down, and even considering a slight deduction for painted toenails, would fetch $6 if you’d fetch a cent.”

She tossed her head and responded with her usual repartee.

“Your minerals could have a value,” she said. “When we consider the iron in your soul, the steel in your payday voice, to say nothing of your oily smile, it’s a wonder BHP and Esso aren’t bidding themselves frantic. You’re a walking Roxby Downs.”

“Let’s look further at your chemicals,” I responded, “the way you put the acid on my fishing trips, the strong smell of sulphur when I bring home a friend for dinner.”

“Mother,” said my daughter, languid in her jeans, “there is another factor in father’s favour which should put up his value. We have considered chemicals and minerals but so far there has been no mention of fats.”

“His boiled down value could possibly run a fish-and-chips cooker throughout the winter months.”

“It’s obvious,” my wife interposed, “that the human body will become more and more inflated. In fact, looking at him, I’ve never seen inflation more rampant and even earnest young Mr. Howard in Canberra could do nothing with it but stand silently on the lawns staring at Lake Burley Griffin and wondering whether to jump.”

I told them to take their chemicals and their minerals elsewhere.

If people want to start melting our bodles maybe they could do the busybodies first!

 

Max (inflated) Fatchen

Now for a real holiday

They have all gone back; the grandchildren. The poodle is recovering in her basket and the birds are coming back into the garden again

One doesn’t find knickers in the bath or sharp plastic toys, one isn’t under siege for stories, one hasn’t had to answer such questions as “Why are you old?” “Will you roll in your money like mummy says you can”

One can sit at the breakfast table again… quietly.

One can sit at the luncheon table without the uproar of people refusing to eat, the duel between spoons and fists and mashed potato.

The beauty of grandfatherhood is the enjoyment and not the responsibility, they tell me. But they do not say how it is compressed into a few days.

And I tell you, it’s dynamite!

The family for Christmas and New Year, the shouting of young voices the pattering feet, enormously heavy for such light frames: the inquisitive, growing, swaggering, juvenile autocracy; dictators in diapers and shrilling interrogators who question, question, question.

I can tell you I have been lying back in my bedroom watching in slow, luxurious silence a spider on his celling web. He is coming out again too, easing his long legs tentatively in his corner kingdom. The web no longer vibrates to the decibellicosity of young life; the young ones who have overrun us all.

The toys seemed right this year. some of them were transistorised.

But the drum and cymbal set worked its old charm; right by my ear the cymbals met at 6 am, and I rose out of bed in a remarkable display of vertical take-off.

I came down again to rest a few centimetres from a small terrible face: gleeful and relentless.

Hadn’t they said to go and wake Grandpa? Hadn’t they said that Grandpa doesn’t see you often? Hadn’t they said he won’t want to miss a minute of you?

I sweat a little at the memory So I think I will stroll to the kitchen now and have toast.

I don’t want to see toast mauled any more. I don’t want to see it being twisted and turned into the mouth like a screw, the slow awful torturing of the Vegemite until it lies cross the table like black blood.

I didn’t realise how traumatic breakfast could be How the cereal could spread hike rusty measles, the terrible impact of a flung spoon: egg quarried from the plate and then vaporised by a sudden ejection from small, ruby lips.

But I will go now because it is calm again: the poodle and I can sit together and get our nerve ends knitted.

And I shall take my time dressing. Dressing? That’s another chilling recollection.

How they fought their clothes. How they kicked off shoes like shrapnel. How their little heads became imprisoned in pullovers. They disliked dressing. It was a torment imposed by adults. They were walled up inside overalls and jeans. They wanted none of it.

Grandpa will help when he gets the shoe out of his ear.

Oh yes, and later the beach: dropping their duds in front of strangers running away going out too far paddling, blitzing other children.

But grandfather’ They have an identity of their own. They are their own person

They must not be constricted.

If you say so, dear.

Little children must be free. The world is a big enough bird cage. And it is closing around them.

If you say so, dear.

* ~ * ~ *

Don’t forget, you only see-them once in a while. They will be going back to Sydney soon. But hasn’t Sydney enough trouble, power restrictions, wharf conflict, Queensland just next door.

Don’t be nasty. Grandpa. We all love you. Now help us pack. Willingly. Do you want this sock I found down the toilet?

Hasn’t it been wonderful with Grandpa?

Kick him once more. He loves you to be free Yes, Father Christmas forgot to bring him hair again.

We shall wave to him as the train goes out.

Wave, wave…

Now I sit quietly at the breakfast table. Hullo, 1982. Next Christmas those kids will be a year older!

I clutch the Vegemite and spread myself a big slug.

 

Max Fatchen

On feeding the imagination

Frederick Forsyth demolishes roast beef sandwich with remarkable speed, downs a half pint of lager in one gulp and says he is a man with simple tastes.

True, if the desire grabbed him he could eat caviar for breakfast, lunch and tea, buy himself a jet…together with a villa in the South of France.

So writes our man in London about the bestselling author of “The Day of the Jackal.”

Meanwhile our local correspondent writes:

The noted author, was just downing another tankard of ale when I entered his peeling bungalow set in swanky suburbia of the Main North Road.

A cheerful garbage man hailed me on the way in and said “Yes. this is where he lives. Twice we’ve taken him off to the dumps but it’s not like anyone would make this his alternative lifestyle. Wrap him in an old newspaper. He’s no different from any load of old rubbish.”

It was a touching introduction to the booming Orson Wellesian figure that sprawled over three chairs in the fly-specked living room.

“I’m a man of the people,” he boomed, “and my writing reaches into the smallest rooms of the nation. That’s why people say I can be read at a sitting.”

He casually swallowed a double-cut beef sandwich, laced with pickle and topped with cheese.

“I believe in keeping myself in good shape,” he said, “Keep your windows closed and your mouth open.”

“Usually,” he went on, “we eat at the Gawler Hilton. Will you have a little drop of Road- house “76?” He splashed a beaker in front of me. “It’s a discreet little drink, pre-Self-Service.”

It gave me a moment to study this important writer. He is loosely built, so loosely that parts of him keep falling out over the top of his pyjamas.

He scratched himself reflectively.

“You haven’t met the wife,” he boomed. “Well, not to worry. She’s going through my trouser pockets this time of morning. Must let her do her own thing. We are a free-wheeling family.”

He spread half a hectare of Vegemite on a crazy pavement of bread and said: “Maybe you are wondering about my family. Well they are doing their own thing too, stoning trains, catching up on the overnight graffiti and fighting each other over use of the car. This is an atomic family,” he went on.

“Don’t you mean nuclear family,” I interposed.

“No,” he said. “Because if I have an atom on me they split it four ways.”

He cut himself half a shoulder of lamb and washed it down with a litre of tap water.

He said: “The recent rains have beggared the bouquet of Murray water. You don’t get that mud-and-carp taste that makes it so distinctive.”

“I don’t want you to think I’m just a food man. Success hasn’t gone to my head,” he said.

I took one look at him and agreed.

“I’m a simple man,” he said. He licked the tomato sauce bottle, savouring the taste.

“Bold but not offensive,” he said thoughtfully, “It tastes like a good year.”

The family is always wanting to go to the Costa Maslins,” he said. But I like a slow drive over the Bolivar treatment outlet and maybe a morning stroll down the Rue de la St. Kilda.”

“The wild cry of the crabs and the mangroves oozing goodwill mean more to me than the trinkets of materialism.”

“What about your next book?” I said.

“I’m glad you asked,” he replied, helping himself to a double-cut ham roll and following it with a cannonade of pickled onions.

“After my last success,” he went on, “I swore I’d never do another book. My publishers swore it too. They’re always coming the Spencer with me.”

I asked him to explain. “Well,” he said, “there’s a deep gulf between us.”

“Do you feel you have found a place in the Australian Pantheon?” I asked.

“It all depends whether Ian Chappell is captain,” he said.

As I left he was making a pile of beetroot sandwiches.

He roared as I left: “Literature hasn’t heard the last of me. You’ll never know what I’ll throw up next.”

My guess, for what it’s worth, is beetroot sandwiches.

 

Max Fatchen

New way to mind a seat

The news that a Japanese, Mr Yoshiro Nakamats, has invented a chair that will improve a person’s thinking is guaranteed to send people like me clean off their rockers.

He claims that his chair emits infra-red rays and vibrations from a platform at its base and stimulates the brain.

There is a general consensus that I have little brain to stimulate and that the Japanese inventor would be wasting his time infra- readying me for anything more than the slight vibration of my television tea tray.

It seems a shame that this last refuge of repose, this article of furniture into which people are always collapsing, is to be made into something, approaching one of the more horrific devices of Dr. Who.

The chair, sprawling, cushioned and comfort able has for years been harbouring bottoms (steady, Mr. Howard) and earning our heartfelt flanks.

Now comes the horrendous prospect of the brain-washed chairperson.

As I said to my chair, patting it reassuringly, life wasn’t meant to be easy.

It’s no wonder my chair and I are apprehensive. There is a bond between us. We sit for hours with our arms around each other, fearing the worst.

Where will Mr. Yoshiro strike next? Already my family is ringing Tokyo with plans for a domestic seat. You pull a lever and the chairperson is hurled into the garden, with uncanny accuracy, right alongside the spade and wheelbarrow.

I’ll admit I have been possessive about my chair.

If I find other people sitting in it, I scream, “Hams off.”

Naturally, I’m put down as an eccentric. Other chairpersons shun me as moribund, a man whose very trousers remain seated even when he has risen.

But all’s chair in love and war they say, giggling hysterically.

I ask you, does Mr. Yoshiro come home at night to the soft scent of cherry blossoms and the snow-capped backdrop of Mount Fuji and settle thankfully in his chair only to be bombarded with infra-red rays and shaken to his socks by Nipponese vibrations, spilling his saki and slopping his sukiyaki?

One can’t help wondering. And, if he does, all I can say is serve the honourable sir right!

So my chair and I intend to stand firm and to sit this one out.

We are even thinking of enlisting protest groups; angry adherents chairing meetings and meeting chairs.

The chair, after all, is part of the indoor environment and the haunt of some rare old birds.

And what about that unspoilt chair of the countryside, that relic of the primitive outdoors—the chair on the homestead verandah.

I get some good vibrations, without any electronic assistance when I’m in the country sitting in the verandah chair and looking across the buffalo lawn to the hay shed and the hand distant hazy hills.

The verandah chair usually has a bit of stuffing showing, its innards gritty with the last dust storm, its mock leather sides cracked and parched by westering suns.

Farmers have nursed their children in this chair, agents have nursed their grievances.

Mothers have sat waiting for the homeward heading of the tractor.

Verandah chairs are full of folklore to say nothing of the indigenous redback.

Nostalgia seeps from every spring. Why not watch the sunset (what, no infra-red?) as it flares and fusses in the west until night unrolls its canopy of stars?

Incidentally, the last country chair I 1 sat in belonged to a sheepdog

I learnt this when the dog took my foot in its jaws and gave me vibrations that would have sent Mr. Yoshiro racing to his calculator.

“You’ve got old Shep’s chair,” my host said accusingly

Now when I visit that particular verandah there’s one thing I always avoid

The chair of the dog that bit me!

 

Max Fatchen

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Angle to brush up the shack

IT was news of the opening near the end of the year of the Adelaide Hilton that set me thinking about renovating the fishing shack.

It usually happens this melancholy time of year: the hunt for furniture no longer needed in the real world: the collecting of half-empty paint pots the assembling of odd pieces of linoleum.

No man can call me handy but the fishing shack is one place where I can go with all my infinite inexpertise; with my pen chant for sloping shelves and strangely hammered hinges; with all the clutter of a man who cannot cope.

We should all have our refuges where we can be our shuddering, shameful selves; where nobody minds if our painting doesn’t match or where the crockery is chipped and chagrined: away from it all in the winter.

The sea is a little sad in winter. It sighs among its seaweed for old, drowned ships and fishing boats with deep keels and slow engines before the hit and-run of trailer boats.

Not for here, on the winter foreshore, the full-bodied bikini, the sand-castling and sunburning. Just the lonely shack owner with a run-down paintbrush startling the starlings under the eaves of his hermitage.

I cook stews when I am painting the fishing shack; it’s one thing I do nicely in the winter in my old saucepan which likes to see me and have a quiet boil with the carrots and sprouts.

There is no hammering of fair-weather garfishermen on my door for bait; they are long ago wrapped in their bunny rugs with their wives making civilised scones in their orderly suburban retreats.

I am alone with my paintbrush and an old fish head from the summer which I do not throw away but contemplate and whisper “Alas, poor Yorick. I caught you well.”

Even the seagulls are contemplative, fluffing their fidgety feathers in protest against the absence of take-aways that bring them on shrieking alert in the summer.

I really don’t paint very well. I have mixed several colours together and a fisherman told me my shack stands out as a navigation guide.

He came down to see me because he had never set eyes on painting like it. He couldn’t decide whether it leant more to Picasso or Salvador Dali.

Actually my fishing shack leans more to the north-east because of the prevailing winds. Winter howls around it, warning us we are both old and showing our years.

The louvred windows don’t open as well as they once did although I oil the brackets with margarine. It gives the shack a lived-in smell although more and more people are less and less inclined to live in it.

My chair collapses with me and I lie on the floor, noticing that the ceiling had unusual patterns from generations of over- boiled dishes. It is like a map of my stomach; here the marks of an eruption of boiling fats; there the one sad experiment with the pressure cooker.

Indelible marks and reminders that life here is rough yet honest. Not the Hilton mind you; no conference rooms, although I often lie on the old blankets and talk to myself.

Surprised

Recently I took my blankets out for an airing and I must say they seemed surprised. They kicked and clutched at the line amid the terrible and frightening onrush of fresh air.

I try to keep fresh air to a minimum. The wind tends to bluster and lose its head once it is inside my fishing shack. The faded curtains flap a mad mazurka and last year’s toilet roll suddenly unfurls a startling pennant.

We have not been noted by the Heritage Commission but other owners of equally disreputable shacks have come to admire the decor of dust and the old instant coffee.

It is an art to remain primitive; to repel the awful onset of modernity: to stay out of reach of the hustling hygiene of wives.

I take slow walks on the beach and elderly dogs come down shyly and walk with me.

Come summer and they will be fighting for their lives with guard dogs that everyone seems to have, or great water dogs that you see ravishing dog food on television.

This is the time when the sea and the sky commune and the salmon-hooking freaks are further south and the country cousins are wrestling with the climate and the tax assessment hasn’t yet surfaced.

Repaired

They will break no champagne bottles now my shack is painted and the old chair repaired; no public address system calls the name of some new rock group or a visiting Japanese tycoon looking at something up the gulf.

The gulf is there, outside my louvred window and it sings me to sleep with wordless sea shanties.

 

Max Fatchen